My story of healing

  This is going to be the first and the only story of its kind, as it is my story. It will be different because I am writing it from my perspective and adding anything and everything I can think of that will be beneficial for others. I won't spend a lot of time on the assault but I will say that I was taken advantage of, as I was naive to how disgusting and hurtful people can be. It has taken a lot of time and healing to retrain my brain after the assault, not everyone was after me and that I still have a purpose in life. I grew up in a sheltered home, I went to a safe public highschool and I kept out of all trouble. So then, when I went to college the newly found freedom it was exciting. I became more outgoing and loved doing new things with new people. All of that was fun and new but it had a dark side and I was about to receive a rude awakening. I love people but partying with my friends was never my thing. I always felt better when it was more one on one as I could connect with others on a deeper level. I loved getting to know people personally and the best way to do that is to just “hang out”. My assailant was someone who was supposed to help me with my homework in my dorm room. He was someone I was interested in and I thought that hanging out together while doing homework would be perfect. I was wrong, I set myself up for him to take advantage of the vulnerability of solitude. Never in my sheltered mind would I think a person was capable of this level of evil, but that soon became a distant thought. 

For days after the assault I was in denial. I was fighting the idea that what happened to me was real. It couldn’t be, I promised my mom that I would be smart. I told her it wouldn't happen to me. It couldn't, right? The friends I had at the time had absolutely no idea what to do or say, when I told them details of what went down I was thinking I was making a bigger deal of the whole thing, but by the looks on their faces I knew I was wrong. At this time, I used alcohol to take the edge off the mental anguish I was experiencing. I would show up to class and my other responsibilities drunk. I stopped taking care of myself, I didn’t go out or try to make new friends. I stopped caring about my appearance or do more than what was absolutely necessary to get by. I would sleep the days away and stay awake at night to avoid the nightmares. People I worked with and went to class with knew I was breaking inside and out but had no idea what to do or say. I didn't have too many friends and my family was 12 hours away. Support was close to none and I didnt tell my family as I was ashamed of what happened. In my head, it was my fault, how could I have let this happen? I tried to ignore it for so long but soon it became too much. I started to open my mind into the what if’s. What if I was raped? What if what he did in my nightmares was true? For me, I was planning on saving my virginity for marriage as my faith was very important to me. He just took it, just like that. Does that make me dirty? Am I even a christian anymore? Does God hate me now? These questions flooded my mind as I started to make sense of what had happened. Living in my own body became a challenge, how did people see me? Do I look like a piece of meat people can abuse and then leave? I had never been more self conscious in my life and I became extremely sensitive to everything people would say. I would cut off anyone I didn't feel comfortable with and I would isolate myself from everyone around. It was the year of covid, so all my classes were already online and I would spend days on end in my room and only leave for my one commitment, working with the football team. Looking back at pictures and videos I looked like a normal happy girl, but only I can see the pain and anguish I was experiencing. Some people who I though were my friends started to tell people on the team what happened and rumors started to circle. Everyone treated me like I was infected, a liar because I said “rape” or they would ask for sex because now they knew I “was willing to put out”. I had never felt so low in my life. My own friends betrayed me and now I was the one people stared at when they walked by or called the whore who said she was assaulted. When the season ended I knew I had to walk away and never go back. 

One of the next biggest struggles was telling my parents, I was walking around with a huge weight on my shoulders. Never in my like had I been so ashamed of myself and who I had become. I saw myself as a disgusting piece of meat. No longer was I the happy child they had raised who had dreams and ambition for life. I didn't even recognize who I had become and every day was a struggle to stay alive. My identity was shattered and I was at rock bottom. Since I was so scared to tell my family, I decided instead I would go to a trusted family friend. I was hoping they would be the person to support me and help me muster up the courage to go to my parents. When I told her what happened, I received the absolute opposite reaction I ever expected. She immediately started to victim shame. What were you drinking? What were you wearing? Were you asking for it? Then she told me something that broke my heart, “your parents are going to be so mad at you”. My stomach fell instantly and I had never felt that way of shame in my life. Someone who I had trusted and considered a friend broke me in ways I never thought possible. I trusted her to help me and instead she made me feel attacked and I became fearful of what my own parents would say and who I had become. I did know though that not telling them was not an option. I needed help.

When I told my parents it ended up being one of the best things I had done through this whole situation. They didn't react in the way I had anticipated and definitely did not react the way that my family friend said. When they told me that they still loved me and they did not disown me or hate me. Hearing those words was so steading. I had someone I could trust and the cloud of the secret was not looming over me. They helped me get the medical care I needed and set me up with a therapist. Therapy ended up being one of the best things that I have ever done. In the beginning I liked her, for sure, but over the past year and a half she has helped me understand my trauma and move on to a better person and believe in myself to be something great. Something I didn’t see in myself for the longest time. Before all this healing happened though I fell into many addictions, I started to vape daily, drinking uncontrollably and finding men as a source of relief. My grades had fallen past the point of no return and I gave up. I saw no future for myself and everyday I battled to stay alive. Being that I was now home for Christmas break I went back to my old job and I worked non stop. It was an Alzheimer's and dementia care home and while the work was hard and demanding I felt like I was doing something right. It gave me purpose and a reason to wake up in the morning. Unfortunately, there was an incident where a contracted worker got too close and he started to say and do inappropriate things towards me. Me being in a state of survival and constant fear, I took it as a threat and it shook me up. I will never forget crying in the office of my manager and telling her everything and how I was now scared to come to work. It had been my one safe place where I could do good and now it wasn't. She listened to me and let me have my moment to let it all out. After I was done she then shared her story and how it was not much different than mine. I was shocked that she was so “normal” and yet shared a horrific story like mine. The fact that she was no longer afraid and had moved on gave me so much hope. At that moment I knew that if I did the work and moved on with hope of a future.  

I decided to go back to school that next semester, against my parents wishes. Honestly, just wanted the freedom and I didn’t wanna drop out of school yet. As soon as I arrived though I knew it was a mistake. The mental health and strength that I had built up at home left almost immediately. I had less friends as football had ended and I was avoiding most people at all costs as I had a constant fear that they were out for me. I had more time my classes and I had hoped that my grades would improve but they stayed low no matter what I did. Most days I would just sleep to keep the pain away. I had a new roommate and we started as friends in the beginning but quickly things fell apart. I hated being in the dorm but I was all alone I had nowhere to go. I started to talk to this man online and we became close fast and he quickly became my outlet for everything good. Once we met I became hyper focused on him. Since school wasn’t working out and because I didn’t believe I had a future, why not give him everything I was and all of myself? We quickly became bonded but not in a healthy way. We were both scarred from people in the past and would use each other to move on and try to heal. I put everything I had into him. If he was upset I was upset, If he was happy I was happy. If I couldn't be with him for a day I would have no purpose. I fell into this toxic cycle of forgetting my needs and giving him everything I had. It was nice though because for once I had a reason to live and something to work for. He wasn't the man I needed and we were wrong for eachother in many ways, but I so desperately wanted everything to be with him. One of the biggest ones was that I wanted commitment and he didn’t want to be “trapped” to me. I wanted to go out in the world together and he wanted to stay in and be still and silent. I needed him to be better for me but I truly didn’t believe I deserved it. I thought he was the only man who could truly understand what I had gone through and who I was becoming from it. 

When he broke up with me, I was broken. I had no reason to live. My whole identity was around being his person. I had to quite literally pick myself up off the ground because for a long time I thought he was my everything, I was just broken pieces and it was ugly starting off. I focused on starting new and healing free of anyone and anything that had been holding me down. I quit vaping and I focused hard on therapy. I started living in a new home and new surroundings. I started a lot of new things at once trying to get my mind off my shattered heart and broken spirit. I worked out everyday, went on hikes and started new jobs. The job was filled with so many people everyday who needed help and hope. It was the perfect thing to get my mind off my own pain. I not only was healing, but I was also challenging myself. I could still make a difference while being broken on the inside. 

Something that I wasn't prepared for at this time was the one year anniversary of the assault. My whole body and mind remembered what occurred and I was filled with fear, anger and sorrow. I couldn't get past the event in my mind, it was all I saw. When I closed my eyes I would see him, when I would go to the gym or the store I would see him, he haunted me everywhere I would go. My mind betrayed me for days and finally I wanted to end it all. I could not see the end, I could not see a future. Scared to be in my own body and scared to be alive I decided my life wasn’t worth it anymore. I was too scared to move, and I knew what I had to do. I had to end it. I made a plan of how I was going to kill myself, I was ready to go. I wanted to die so bad and I knew that my pain would be over if I did. My heart ached at the thought of leaving my family but the hurt of what he did was too much. I called my mom and told her everything that was going on. She cried with me and redirected my focus to what mattered. I am forever grateful to my mom for being with me during that time and she gets the credit for saving my life. I know she wasn’t alone because I know that God was there too holding me and crying with me. That was one of the worst weeks possible but after that I had never been more determined to be better and to do better.

I worked hard to work through my fear and to get over my ex and the feelings of worthlessness that still lingered. I was going to be better for me and because I finally wanted to believe in myself. These next few months were hard and I had many good and bad days but through them all I leaned on God. He had always been there but I had just started to recognize and receive his power. I now lean on Him daily and it is the only thing that has gotten me this far. I still struggle with fear of men and have a hard time being in male dominated places. I have to constantly remind myself that it will be ok and I have power. I am stronger and I am a warrior. I have learned a lot from my healing journey and I am definitely a stronger person because of it. I know who I am in this world and she is worthy, she is strong, she is resilient and she has been healing and still is. I didn’t ever think I would be where I am today, but I do know that I am so proud of the person I have become. I am a worthy woman who deserves the world, and I am working daily to make myself better. Finally, I value myself as a person that isn’t dirty or damaged and I know that I will do great things. Something I couldn't do just a few months ago was look into the future and have hope. now, here I am excited for what life will bring whether it is with my family, my career or for what God is calling me to do. Everyday when I wake up I have to make a choice, is today going to be a day where I stand up for myself? And when I make that choice with God by my side I know that anything is possible. I am not fully healed and don’t know if I will ever be but I will keep working and keep encouraging others to do the same. 

Things I have learned in the past 3 years of healing is that listening to your body is an important part of healing. Without it you may never understand the reasons behind your reactions. I get triggered occasionally and knowing why and how is key to helping me get back to normal and working towards not letting it happen again. I used to get triggered almost daily but now that I have learned to hear what my mind, body and soul need, I can protect it and replenish it easier and faster. Get help from a therapist and if you can’t, fine someone you trust will give you healthy advice. Cut out anything or anyone that hinders your healing or for you to become your best self. You may not know who or what is a burden yet until later on your journey, but they will always become obvious as you will find yourself needing distance to heal further and feel better. It will be hard and could even require a whole life transition, but it will be so worth it when you become a better version of yourself. Give yourself credit for how far you have come and celebrate yourself. You are amazing and know that you made it this far and there are still so many great things to come. Find a community to support you, lean on them when you are in pain or questioning your worth. I created “still worthy” because during my darkest days I needed a place that understood me, a place where I could see and hear that healing is possible and very worth the hard, hard work. I hope you leave encouraged and reminded that you are enough, you are in fact Still Worthy.                                                                                                                                                  

Bailey Chaney